The Varnishing Days is the heart-stopping, glasses-dropping, hard-rocking, wig-shaking, levothyroxine-taking, knee-knocking, boot-licking, justifying, teeth-rattling, digressing new show from stand-up comedian to the stars John Kearns.



Go silent as I walk on! Acknowledge when something funny happens! Leave discussing dinner plans! Others will be implicated. Points will be circled and missed. Hell, it’s a man trying his best! When I visit your town dogs will start barking, as will clergy. Your microwave will go haywire. The lights in your vestibule will flicker and the Bank of England will nervously look at interest rates. On the day I write this, the pound has hit an all-time low against the dollar. Mark my words. This show will break that record again and again and again.

Kearns could be your new King of Comedy

Bruce Dessau, Evening Standard 

a toothy, tragicomic delight… cult purveyor of mock-heroic suburban standup.

Brian Logan, The Guardian ★★★★ 

Event: Thursday 5 October, 8:00pm

Tickets: £15



Suitable for ages 14 and over. 

  • John Kearns: The Varnishing Days

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